A Final Exam

[ياسر7]

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
'Guns don't kill people. I do.'


Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

[ياسر7]

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde
jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days
later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped
her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many
sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason
said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to
my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally
picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of
the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K.,
now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair
color, can I have my dog back?

[ياسر7]

"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\
prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind.
Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I
type."

[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a
hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her
monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power
indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does
it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."

"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged
into the wall."

[pause] "Yes, it is."

[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have
accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her
hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of
monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on
it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

[muffled] "Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the
back of your computer."

[still muffled] "I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

[clear again] "No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle --it's
because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the كلمة ممنوعةكلمة ممنوعةكلمة ممنوعةكلمة ممنوعةكلمة ممنوعةكلمة ممنوعةكلمة ممنوعةكلمة ممنوعة"

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]

"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

[ياسر7]

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give
one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and
gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So
what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax
your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the
tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a
campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in
a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from
your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy
a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government
takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the
milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and
force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike
because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so
they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so
they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know
where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you
have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you
don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs
to you. You charge for storing them for others.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a
partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

[ياسر7]

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender
finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up
to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more
time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some
fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he
stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4
blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and
again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and
into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This
time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell
right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the
pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,
shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent
look.

"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."